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Conran: Newbie's Guide to Guilds; Immortals in Movies

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#48 . May 2001
 mortal staff:
 alendil, aylssa, begaria, conran, dein, goomra, ilsensine,
 jaryl, lorel, maray, naithalia, noplex, oknelim, saraphin,
 sarig, shingo
 immortal staff:
 elisabet(sponsor) tical(finance)
                      table of contents


the newbies guide, this issue: guilds

winners, imm actors and other quest news

the usual gags

a rose is a rose

in conclusion
                       desk of the editor


 What is the good word? Thank you all for the feedback from the
 mega-funnybones April Fools issue. But our break is over and
 we have been working to make year three the charm.
 In this isue we have Conran, who starts what should be a nice
 little run at a 'newbies guide to...' series. We also have
 the usual fun, we get more answers from Kali and the 'Ask the
 CoE' section and of course, funny bones.

 Lastly we have Cersei's Movie Quest results where the task was
 to  come up with what actor would play what imm in what movie.
 (These results were posted early in the CoD offices, and had
 granted us with more Immortals peeking at the draft board
 than ever before. Silly Imms.) Thanks and Enjoy.

 feedback? comments? fan/hate mail? submissions? all welcome at
 the CoD public boards, located: e,s,2u,s,w,s from darkhaven
 square or south of quills and parchments on market street.

                     NEWBIES GUIDE TO ...
written by:conran

 A Newbies Guide To... Guilds

 One of the most important parts of the Realms of Despair is the
 organisations it offers. These organisations are in the form of
 Guilds, Orders, Clans and, later on, Councils. This edition is
 about Guilds.

 Guilds are probably the best place for new players to begin.
 A guild is a group of peaceful players from the same class who
 have joined together to both learn to better control their
 character, and to help others learn about theirs. You can also
 make a lot of new friends in the game. Each class has a guild
 dedicated to it.


 Each guild has a Leader, a First and a Second as the official
 leadership team. Generally these people are elected periodically
 by the guild as a whole. As well as this team, there is something
 unofficial yet common to guilds called the Induction Team.

 These teams have different names depending on the guild, varying
 between Induction Team, Induction Council, Council of (Class Name),
 etc, which is usually shortened to IT or IS (or whatever the
 initials of the induction teams' name may be) and placed into the
 titles of the members. These are the people you need to speak to
 to join the respective guild.

 As mentioned earlier, each guild has an Induction Team of some
 sort. Anybody who is a member of the guild you wish to join that
 has the appropriate tag in their title should be approached once
 you meet the minimum entry levels. They are as follows:

 Clerics: 15 (Speak to someone with <CoC> in their title)
 Druids: 20 (Speak to someone with <IC> in their title)
 Mages: 20 (Speak to a Leader)
 Rangers: 20 (Speak to someone with <RQC> in their title)
 Thieves: 20 (Speak to someone with <IT> in their title)
 Vampires: 20 (Speak to someone with <Sire> or <Methusela>
 in their title)
 Warriors: Apply at 20, must be 25 by Induction (Speak to
 someone with <IT> in their title)
 Paladins: 15 (Speak to someone with <Advocate> in their title)
 Nephandi: 20 (Speak to someone with <IT> in their title)
 Augurers: 15 (Speak to someone with <IT> in their title)

 Once you have spoken to the induction team member, you will be
 assigned a quest (the induction process will vary from guild to
 guild, but this is followed as a general rule -- some guilds may
 even assign two or more quests). You will be given a target date
 where you will have needed to have completed the quest, and will
 be asked to return the items (or proof of having done a specific
 task, depending on what you were assigned to do) by the due date
 to your IT representative.

 Once this has been done (any unforseen circumstances aside), you
 should be inducted. This is a command held by the Leader, First
 and Second of the Guild, and it will make you a member. Once
 you've been inducted you will have access to a new
 channel: Guildtalk, which will communicate with all the other
 guild members.

 You'll also have access to the Guild Headquarters. Where before
 you would have been forced outside when trying to enter, you'll
 now be allowed inside. You should get a tour around the place by
 someone from the induction ceremony. Congratulations, you're now
 a Guild member.

 But remember to behave, many guilds have a system where you're
 assessed over the first month or so of joining, and Leaders,
 Firsts and Seconds also have a command called Outcast which
 removes you from the guild just as easily as you were inducted.

 Other benefits of joining a guild include the guild shops,
 healing rooms, donation rooms where you can borrow equipment and
 leave equipment that you no longer need for others, note boards
 where you can communicate with other members, and assistance from
 guild members when you need help.

 Usually somebody in the guild will be happy to help you retreive
 your corpse, or give you hints on how and where to level, or
 what equipment you should try to get.

 When you get to Avatar level, you'll also be able to take parts
 in runs (a mob that takes multiple avatars to kill) and
 Inter-Guild Quest Council Quests.

 So look at joining a guild if you're not already a member of a
 guild or order (orders will be covered in a later edition).

 Until then, Good Hunting & Happy Adventures.
                       QUEST AND CONTEST
written by:elisabet,shingo,jaryl and submissions

 It seems that somehow the immortals of Realms have mixed their
 Restore message echos up, and I can't figure out which restore
 belongs to which imm!  Using the following list of immortals
 (please note some of these imms do not have restore messages
 belonging to their names), please match the restore message
 to the immortal.  Answers must be mudmailed to Elisabet by
 Wednesday, May 23 at 9pm EST/system time.  For those with
 completely correct answers, their names will be placed in
 a hat and 3 selected to be the winners.
 Lenslakin           Pheayre              Loril
 Moonbeam            Elisabet             Ceirana
 Drachenfeld         Tiki                 Raltaris
 Nivek               Kali                 Cersei
 Hoerkin             Blodkai              Darrek
 Thorpe              Dria                 Aeriel
 Stoneheft           Iliana               Korell

1. The sky is suddenly clear but for one fluffy white cloud directly
above Darkhaven Square.

2. By the deep Sea, music in its roar; I love not Man the less, but
Nature more.

3. Burning flowers fall from the sky, scattering bright and beautiful
flaming petals across the lands.
 *** has restored you.
Burning sulphur to follow later...

4. Pixie dust sprinkles down over the Realm.

5. *** quickly runs by, giving you a hug on the way past. You feel
strangly restored.

6. The stillness of the night air is broken by the bellowing howl of a
distant moosefish.

7. A giant pulse of energy surges throughout the realms renewing life
energies and magicks.

8. Suddenly the sky darkens and torrents of rain pour from the clouds
A bolt of lightning lands near enough that the sound knocks you
from your feet!

9. A warm, soothing light envelopes you...
Thought of fill your mind...
Suddenly, you feel much better.

10.Violent maelstroms of hatred rage across the lands, harboring
the end of all... Gehenna.

11. You get the uneasy feeling you are being watched.

12. Visions of madness and blood swirl before your eyes as you
drown in darkness...

13. ...
(Followed by no restore)

14. A soft fluttering wind passes by. In the air, you can smell
the faint scent of lilac. A sense of serenity passes through you.

15. Someone gestures, and a slavering demon appears. The foul creature
turns on you with a horrible grin. You scream in panic before being eaten

Lights.. Quiet on the set.. Tape rolling... 3.. 2.. 1.. Action!

Third Place Ilsensine

 Imm       Actor             Reason
 Luc       Kevin Klein       French Kiss!!
 Iliana    Whoopi Goldberg   Sexy voice and eternal cool!!!
 Tiki      Kylie Minouge!    Tiny! *pets Kylie* Peeeeexxxiiieee?!
 Moonbeam  Uma Thurman       Femme Fatale! (in the best way) :)
 Elisabet  Audrey Hepburn    Small, pretty and mischievous!(Tiffany's!)
 Kali      Antonio Banderas  Mysterious and slightly scary...
 Grishnakh Al Capone         My gay alien uncle is a gangsta!
 Thorpe    Brad Pitt         Thorpe is dead sexy!
 Selina    Jenifer Anniston  Sorry Selina..bad actress
                             but I need chemistry :P
 I figure we got a cast now... the grand project is called!:
 Much Ado About Rutabagas...  (PS... it's good really!) :P

Second Place Jaryl

 Herne    Dennis Leary
 Thoric   James Earl Jones
 Darrek   Drew Carey
 Tiki     Sherri O'Terri
 Aeriel   Julia Roberts
 Leart    Ewan McGregor
 Moonbeam Judi Dench
 Kali     Samuel L. Jackson

 And for the title of this award-winning feature...*drum roll*
 Blood, Mud, and Beer: A Story of Despair.

 First Place Goomra

 Behold ladies, gentlemen, and cabbages, for I present the newest
 film of the future, the box-office buster:

          Tie a bloodstained ribbon round the ol' NC Tree !

 A harrowing story of hardship, happiness, effort, time, and
 unedited stupidity in the Realms of Despair. Following the events
 of the Newbie Council, it revolves around the life and times of
 the NC members, helping those cute, but at times dense, newbies
 throughout the realm.

 Featuring, in glitzy lights, Raltaris, Stoneheft, Loril, Aeriel,
 Tiki, and Aphrael! The star-studded cast comprises the wit of
 Rolf Harris as Raltaris, the pure lovliness of Gerald Depardieu
 as Stoneheft, commander of the NC, the happiness and niceness of
 Julia Roberts as Loril, the giver of advice and bounces to her
 council members.. Catherina Zeta Jones makes a short appearance
 as Aeriel, who both date men who roughly double their age (Adric!).

 Tiki, the fluffy pixie not-a-thief is played by Sarah Michelle
 Gellar, and finally, Aphrael is played by Dolly Parton, the
 crazy gal who is the life and soul of the party ! Other parts,
 such as councillors, will be played by drunks found outside the
 studios on the days of filming.

 In a special cameo appearance, John Malkovich will star as
 Taboobikins, the evil imm who will stop at nothing to crush
 NCers into little lumps! This once-in-a-lifetime film will show
 heartfelt happiness to depressive sadness, and give an array of
 talents and styles from both immortals and mortals of the Realms
 of Despair..well..that's the plan..

 Thanks to all who submitted!

 IGQC Coverage
 The Second of the Guild of Nephandi, Destre, hosted this month's
 Inter Guild Quest (IGQ). Participants from every guild, with the
 exception of the Guild of Rangers were available.

 The game consisted of finding an informant, who knew the location
 of 5 lost dragon-tailed kites, which were stolen. Five groups
 were selected (each made up by a member or two from each guild
 and making one large group) to search about the Realms and return
 the kites to Elisabet.

 Team 4, whose members were Kellandra, Shingo, Meade, Tamalia,
 Zendroax, Ecoles, Mecil, Shadrack and Palladia came in first,
 finding all five kites the quickest and Team 3 came in second,
 whose members were Muiren, Arkhaine, Reiokenon, Gul, Starlah,
 Taichillo, Temokinon and Zellon. The third place goes to Team 5,
 who consisted of Tyllus, Saraoreo, Ilsensine, Aal, Volitanern,
 Relark, Darshanin, Morgrin and Bravadan.

 IGQC Coverage
 After returning from kite hunting, Elisabet held a little game
 for items from a goodie bag, where trivia questions were asked,
 and the person who responded correctly would get their choice of
 an item.

 A big thank you goes out to Destre, and the Guild of Nephandi,
 and Elisbet, the IGQC's sponsoring immortal for this month's
 quest. We look forward to seeing the Guild of Cleric's hosting
 next month. Congratulations to all the winners and good luck in
 next month's quest!

Guild of Rangers, Ultimate Survivor

 You've all heard of survivor. You know, that show where people
 get stranded in the middle of nowhere and are forced to make
 fools out of themselves for large sums of money. What's better
 than seeing 16 American strangers slowly cannibalize each other?

 Racin asked himself this question durning a fit of drunken
 madness, when the answer came. Force unsuspecting guild members
 to do bizzare quests, or else look at naked pictures of their
 guildmaster at a cantaloupe festival! And thus we give you
 Survivor...Ranger Style!

 In the begining, there were 15. 15 innocent rangers made to play
 an innocent game, or so it seemed.  First they were given a list
 of descriptions. These descriptions were clues to different rooms
 scattered through the vast and dangerous realms we call home.

 The idea was simple. Identify the rooms and you got to keep
 playing. It seemed easy enough at first, but as they neared the
 end of the 50 clue list, the rooms got harder. Some were never
 even discovered at all. In the end, 5 rangers were given the

 And then there were 10.  Their next task was to identify rangers
 throughout the realms, as many rangers as possible. No help was
 given. Scoring wasn't done solely on quantity alone, however.
 Extra points were awarded for being the only Survivor to identify
 a ranger that had somehow managed to slip through the cracks.
 To be precise, 3 points were given to be the only person to
 identify a mob.  2 points were given if only one other person
 identified it. 1 point was given if 3 or more Survivors found the
 mob. The high score this time around was pelmen, with 40 points.
 Norelle was eliminated with only 5.

 The maniacal drunk had taken his toll on 6 rangers, and only 9
 remained. Next up descriptions of equipment were given, but
 descriptions only. The intrepid rangers had to retrieve the
 equipment or leave. However, the descriptions were cryptic.
 This proved to be no easy task. After the dust settled Fianavar
 had recovered the least equipment, and so we say farewell to her.

 Fun and games were over with this next quest. If you didn't know
 your stuff you were history. The sadistic leader had scrambled
 his names of players with his names of items, resulting in a
 jumble similar to a bicycle lock. You had to spin the columnar
 letters to create the first and last names of guilded rangers or
 immortals. Then, you had to spin them a second time to create the
 name of an item. If they managed to retrieve the item, they were
 given extra points. This task proved impossible to 2 Survivors,
 and Juraviel and Capium were sent home to mama.

 The next challenge involved knowing your alphabet (wich not
 everyone did). Using only the first letter in the name of any
 potion pill or salve the Survivors were required to complete the
 alphabet in the most original way possible. Find items that no
 one else has, and you get more points. 3 points were awarded for
 being the only ranger with the item. 2 if only 1 other person
 had it. 1 if 3 or more Survivors found the same thing.

 It was here that disaster struck. Your faithful reporter had
 almost completed the quest when a Death Trap reared it's ugly
 head. With only 1 day remaining, and no items, I had to scramble
 to survive. My hard work payed off, however, and I made it just
 under the wire. Linda and Katryna had the high scores with 64 points
 a piece.  Pelmen and Namsar bit the dust.

 The sixth quest was a race. A list of 16 items was given to each
 contestant. The object was to be one of the first 2 players back
 with thier list completed.  Another DT beset this quest, this
 time it was Linda who fell. In this race, however, no quarter
 was given. Katryna finished first with myself coming in at
 second. Linda and Reol did not finish.

 And then there were 2. This final quest was going to be tough.
 We had to kill each other. There was a catch, of course. Both
 contestants had to started naked and without gold.  They were
 given 1 hour to find equipment and potions within 1 level of 5
 numbers randomly selected at the time of the quest. No help from
 anyone was allowed. This quest was truly the brainchild of a
 drunken fool.

 In the end the two scantily clad opponents met in the arena.
 Their dress was almost identical, but one of them had found a
 sanctuary potion.
 When the short, but bloody, brawl ended, I was left standing.
 The prize, a justice, a cookie, and the title of Ultimate Survivor
 were mine.
 Runner up- Katryna
 Winner   - Jaryl

 Special thanks to Racin for putting in hours of hard work on the
 quests, and also to Hoerkin for assisting with the final pkill.
 Kudos go out to everyone who participated.

 The Holiday Contest Winner! Ilsensine
 Holiday Saint Balzhur's Day When February 13th

 Info Long ago, Blazhur was sainted. Now the patron Saint of
 large, ugly, drooling beasts, he has become a symbol of vast
 reverence tempered with the natural fear of corrosive drool
 spoiling expensive fabrics and the like... For long and long
 there has persisted the sickening event of February 14th,
 St Valentine's Day. The day before, St Balzhur's day serves
 several purposes in the modern and cosmopolitan Realms of
 Despair. Traditionally, prank Valentines gifts were given as
 cruel jokes to those deemed undesirable by the giftor. St Balzhur's
 day removes this fakeage of sentiment!

 Now those one deems to be large, ugly, drooling beasts have
 their own day upon which you may freely send gifts and cards
 informing them of your true feelings.
 Also, in many races such as trolls and ogres, the virtues of
 Balzhur are held to be true beauty! Thus we help allieve racial
 prejudice by creating this distinct and special day for those who
 deem large, ugly, drooling beasts to be the apple of their eye!

 Special Items Cards and gifts. Best selling cards include:
 Only you could make me vomit this bad!
 Roses are red, violets are blue, you're plain ugly,
 that's why I love you!
 Favoured gifts include: Dead dogs, partly masticated lungs
 and puss-balls!

                          FUNNY BONES
written by:shingo,kuah and submissions

 Zixi is on the way to Yellow Spam...

 Your Quantum Spike **** SMITES **** the street peddler!
 The street peddler is DEAD!!
 You receive 0 experience points.
 The street peddler hits the ground ... DEAD.
 I see nothing like that in the corpse.
 The corpse of the street peddler holds:
 You are now an adept of quantum spike!  You gain 240000 bonus experience!
 You have now obtained experience level 50!
 You suddenly feel a strange surge of power flow through your veins!

 You have mastered yourself as far as mortally possible, and now
 see immortality within your grasp...

 Along with your new position you recieve a new channel, to use this
 channel type ': <message>' or 'imm <message>'.
 Your gain is: 11/808 hp, 7/791 mana, 10/710 mv 5/109 prac.

 Head Humor...

 Moonbeam: Hey Trinda

 Trinda: Hi Moonbeam.. I haven't eaten the skull yet!

 Moonbeam: Good Trinda :)

 Moonbeam: we don't have a gultar head..

 Goriotio: Moonbeam's whip *** ANNIHILATES *** Gultar!

 Gultar: hey... dont forget the *you dodge Moonbeam's attack*

 Trinda: Moonbeam gives you The shrunken skull of Gultar.
 most excellent...

 Gultar: take good care of it Trinda

 Calin: damaged my shade helm:(

 Gultar: hey moonbeam/kali... was that a form of bonding me and
 calin just did??

 Kali: Yes. Now you must spend eternity together as 'life partners'

 Kali: You give decapitated head of Calin to Moonbeam.

 Calin: can i at least have alaks head?

 Kali: You want head from Alak?

 Calin: yes please

 Quortan: ROFL

 Kali: I'm no pimp buddy.

 Calin: will pay good

 Camieo: Alaks body parts belong in my portal :P

 Gultar: calin... do u have the urge to say... Thank you may i
 have another?

 More AvChat

 Jannel : i made the hippos tickle me in naughty places!
 Langtoly : we one made jenga into a really fun pot smoking game
 Jannel : I play jenga with razorblaides and glasses
 Jannel : Any of you play hide the crack balloon? My brother
 always cheated and swalloed it :(

Tempt fate... Through the eyes of Racin

 Chelsie guildtalks 'traf av ranger for sale, comes with induct/
 outcast button, send tells to racin'

 You guildtalk 'hmmmm'

 Chelsie guildtalks 'oops'

 Valin guildtalks 'ooo! 2 coins!'

 You outcast Valin from Guild of Rangers

 Chelsie guildtalks 'nah stats at 5 coins'

 Valin gasps as he realizes what you did.

 You grin so evilly that everyone's alignment drops to -1000.

 Greyraven says, 'ooOOooOOooOOoo.'

 Greyraven exclaims to you, 'Do that to Jarel when he comes on!'

 Valin says 'now you gotta chase me!'

 Olorin sprawls out haphazardly.

 Greyraven seems to get a laugh from something saying, "heh heh heh".

 You tell Valin 'ROFL i dont chase ppl i am too old for that'

 Valin tells you 'muha =)'

 Greyraven snickers softly.

 Olorin gets a sinful chocolate cake.

 Olorin says 'mmMMmmMMmmMMmm.'

 Greyraven laughs out loud!

 Valin says 'let me in'

 10 Ways To Die In RealmsBy Indalecio
 1:  Saying ribbit to froghemoth (common)
 2: Physically abusing Nelky Whelky.
 3: Calling Tiki Sneaky Tappi Snappy
 4: Calling Grishnakh a pixie mage.
 5: Running around DH yelling "Thoric's a pile of poop!"
 6: Living in the Drow hometown.
 7: Not using scry in the Drow hometown.
 8: Being a deadly non-av.
 9: Tickling everybody in the bar.
10: Dancing around joyfully in The Void.


 Hamish tried to get his groove on, but it was too big
 Cersei: One Step Closer to Slay.
 Daltikyre, the most informative pubic butler.
 Riff Raff.

written by:sarig,ilsensine and submissions

 no title. sarig
 I right this to tell you, You are not alone
 I suffer as well
 Why do we suffer? Well we can always ask god,
 but I do not think he listens
 if he was listening to my moans of agony
 he does nothing but listens
 is he there?
 what being would listen
 to these torents of agony
 and not do a thing?
 I pray and pray to you
 why do you not answer?

 So I Lock Them Up. Ilsensine
 So I lock them up.

 I hide them beneath threads,
 The recesses which fill my mind.

 The raging, the hating, the frightened, the confused
 - All have a place
 Somewhere (which I cannot find)

 I wish I could express,
 Paint in RED, a tapestry, to bleed and burn the threads.
 But I can't,
 So I lock them up.

 Boundry. Ilsensine
             a scarecrow paper thing,
 She flits in fields of blackened poppies.
 Twilight descends
                        as in her world.
 Somewhere she's sinking.

 A morbid fascination,
 Her eyes.
 Ablaze with apathy.
 'It's a life
                  death thing' she says.
 I guess that's not too hard to see.

 There's her heart,
 An ashen river.
 Melting down
                        earth and waste.
 Bitter penance in this soil.

 Tired. Alieron
 I saw it in a dreamscape, I stood beside an open door
 There's water all around me but still I thirst for something more
 I know that I've been walking, trapped within a clouded haze
 So aimlessly I wander, it seems I haven't slept for days

 Oh I'm tired

 I saw it in a dreamscape, the barren land for miles around
 In sudden desperation I tried to scream, without a sound
 The only tree was dying, kept inside an endless maze
 So aimlessly I wandered, it seems I haven't slept for days

 Oh, I'm tired... Oh so tired.
 And I wanted more than this

 I saw it in a dreamscape, I walked in through an open door
 I saw a silver fountain, the liquid I had thirsted for
 So many times I've walked past this house that gives the weary sleep
 I leave the path and lie down by waters from the deepest deep

 Rest for the tired, oh, I found rest for the tired.

                          In Closing

     Thank you for reading!!!, from the staff of the CoD.

 feedback? comments? fan/hate mail? submissions? all welcome at
 the CoD public boards, located: e,s,2u,s,w,s from darkhaven
 square or south of quills and parchments on market street.